Emotional Library

Here is what, happens in my mind.

adapted, thought and a way to rewind, 

Formulaically. Surgically. 

a Procedure, a habit if you may,

it has grown from an impulse,

to an archaic archival of sorts,

for all the people,

that I've met,

that I have grown Fond of,

held close to my heart, and had them break it.

made mistakes, made wounds, and learnt to take it.

seen faces, that smile 

that cry, that fight, that reconcile,

seen life pass by, in folly and joy,

in a split second, watch it all destroyed,

In the warmth of love, a moment and so many,

in embrace, cuddle, distance and agony,

and here I am, in reminisce,

thinking about it all, touch and kiss,

Taking all these memories .

Put them all in a box, imaginary

Every moment enduring and extraordinary,

I keep inside the box some photos or letter,

Gift wrap it . none the same, none the better,

I put in in an attic inside ma mind.

But,

When i want to dance,

I Open it . I Find,

Sit with it. 

Have a peg or two. 

unwrap the gift, for its my past,

and you. 

Take the pleasure and pain,

Once done, Wrap it again,

for another time, another day, another one to meet,

another moment, to live, and repeat.

Makes sense.  ?

ahhh..

it probably does 

in my own head.

I want to say something..

Just want to put it out here that people who are in “depression” are truly clueless about what is happening with them. 

Just for a moment, think, a person so driven to an extreme, that they contemplate their own life Vs. predicaments, pull up the idea to end their life, and act through it, would be sane enough to reach for help?! Do you really believe someone would even think they want to talk it out to someone ?!

A while ago I posted the a status, askin people to talk to me, or call a suicide helpline.. but, something changed. And I realised, this isn’t someone whom you can spot in a group, figure out in a conversation with, they are absolutely there smiling with you, looking at everyone through words, And yet, living their life and dragging themselves through the weights, burdens and a complex mental process going on inside their head, which they find all the more entrapping and cornering them. They know, the consequences, yet choose to end their life. The utterly painful, heartbreaking courage  it takes to lift that knife .. or tie that knot in a rope.. or finding a bottle of water to swallow something.. those moments are not impulsive. They are calculated. Meticulously.

And I don’t think those predicaments are something they can talk or converse about. Mostly because they see life from a different perspective, and well, I don’t think another’s opinion goes through either. 

This is why it shocks us. Breaks us. Being in their company, knowing them person and proxy,

Because we are all used to relating to and Knowing a persons’ cheerful company or their applauding achievement, their sense of humour, goodness, the glass of beer they raise, every thing about a person that is positive, but, Would u notice a person, without? 

There is so much in a lifetime to experience, 

but also, is a choice to end it ... 

because.

PAUSE

Amidst living the lines that run straight, with no end

Ever evolving, every day and moment,

i find it hard to see 

What is it, that exists to my side.

Beside me.

Because, they too, things and them,

Have their own lines,

That Bind them,

That Blind them,

Just like me.

What happens when I see something Beautiful.

Can I stop, I can’t 

should I want, I shouldn’t.

for its always the same story

Looking straight 

I get it, I understand, 

Life moves,

I can’t ask for a stall,

That will only lead to a break down

I can’t ask for stop

That will only die and wither

But,

Can I ask for a pause.

To share that pause with me,

Choose it.

Because deep down I ask

And I ask it, with So much want.

That I want it.

I need it,

I need it to be a part of my way.

Hoping that these pauses make time

And that time completes me.

I’m Lost.

I can’t remember.

People. Moments

Fragments in time.

Memories. 

Which I will probably never go back to.

Life needs to be more than this

I’m 

SO

DISCONNECTED.

I’ve loved. 

I’ve cared.

Done what I thought would be a best outcome

But it was all wrong.

I was wrong.

It just would never, be.

Reality.

time.

life.

Move 

So fast.

Wants change.

Moves space. Creates space.

What is, will not be, in a moment.

No room to cherish.

No roots to connect.

We are all just living.

When I sleep.

I Dream.

And wen I wake up

I feel more connected to the Dreams.

Than I did with my past.

Is it worth it ?

The burden of questions.

The Questions of Existence.

The Existence called life.

how I can end this with. 

There are no statements, Questions, 

everything is as is. 

Rest. Imaginary. A thought. 

A moment spent. Lost

Disconnected. 

I Love Petrichor.

Its the Rains. And the parched soil.

dont they run in straight lines too ?

raindrops. life

aah.

I love it. 

Amidst living in the lines that run straight

It soothes me.

What completes you. ?

Life. is so huge. So much to live, So much to do, Know, Understand.
Ever since we are born, we have milestones, of growth, standards that asses us to be compatible to the world we need to accommodate ourselves in. We have schools, subjects taught to us, to be profound at something we imbibe, that would later create a sole identity for us .
We meet people to learn from, paving us a path of influence. we achieve at various a level to carve our own destiny, we make our life unique as a choice we made, to survive.

Where do we stand.
when do we know we have satiated growth. Never ?
When we start feeling age take over ? skin wrinkling, mind numbing, choosing solitude over rave parties. lounging over thoughts than chasing the randomness around us.
When we hit the rock bottom ? or the high of life.
Money.
Materialistic wants.
Power.
Achievement.
Love, companionship, making life out of passion.
Content in orgasmic scale.
Feeling the lowest and highest notes of music.
Finding a higher consciousness.

???!!

The deal is..
we have to Understand the beginning to understand how it ends all.
that we are all products of creation amidst utter chaos.
Death might complete us, in a notion.
The last chapter, but that wont be the END. Its never complete. What abt the legends that passed away. They remain as history. A story. And they will be forever.
There is no end.
Friends are remembered.
Family is revered.
Love eternal,
and
memories cherished.

I Looked to find 'my' last chapter, hoping there would never be an epilogue. A memory. An ending that would complete me. i tried to find what completes me. In Everything. Every single notch among millions, on a golf ball of life. A bite of cheese in each slice of a pizza
Like chasing mirages on every dune of sand on a desert vast,
making my own perceptional compliments of my predicaments,
just as such.. finding none.
Diluted in mistakes, hurt, guilt and every possible shade of grey in a rainbow of emotions, I held on to hope. Held on close. Wishing for forgiveness. Wishing for redemption and penance.
Strength to have a soul. To contain myself.
Anyone would survive. I wanted to sustain.
Right my wrong. Make amends and learn.
All that mattered to me was eventuality, the continuity of life with a pinch of better and a slice of smile.
A smile that i could share.
But.
Ma bro once said, Long before I knew or cud comprehend what were, the biggest flaws in life were 'if' and 'but' ..
Makes sense now.
Possibilities.
One cant imagine how much, we live in possibilities.
They don't complete us.
Because we are human, and to accept that, is of a level of understanding and comprehension beyond.

To feel complete is a Choice.
Everyday, every moment. Its right there with us. To accept what makes us. We are so blind to it. I am so blind to it, that though i had every single moment, possibility and chance, I chose different.
Its not the regret that bothers me. its what has become of that moment.

We as humans evolve, and that is our biggest strength and flaw.
Constantly, at a pace our own life defines, we evolve.
Expecting a feeling of completion stays with us in every moment as a choice.
The feeling of emptiness may pertain to a past tense of remnants we churn in thought, so strong, that we all eventually fail to accept the inevitable.
The Present.
What we have. Acceptance of the perimeter of circle around us.
THAT is what completes us.



Image Courtesy : fractal_circle_by_jindra12
#respect and thanks#

MiXed

There is this feeling u get out of tears,
a smile, warming up ur heart,
Like the tears of happiness
Or the feeling of hope in ur worst times.
In reality,
All I felt wuz a simulation
I yearn to feel such a relationship, know such a person, or go thru such emotion.
Jus to know how human it'd be to experience such....

the Core

In the center
of Echoes
preserved and pure
amidst the circular waves
of energy
and the vibrations
so fluid
nudged
inside the sphere
like vacuum
the dark radiance,
brightest solitude
and purity ..
lies, the Astral in vivo.
the Core.

Wake ..

Today meant a Monument.
A Beginning.
Left with an epitaph now,
Each memory shattered,
and sprawled in gravestones..
etched in my continual walks
in the nightmares
of this endless cemetery..

Blink

The bright summer noon simmers down a shade
melting heat nudged by the evenin breeze
warm sunset colors, they palette the sky
how long, does a phase lasts..
scares me.
i hold tight.
check the locks holding up.
thump the door on ma heart a knock and two.
feelin stupid, a chuckle builds up.
then, content and warmth give me the calm,
there.
by the fathom and knot,
by each layer sliced in time,
every folded memory crisp,
in moments, lies safe.

makes you think why,
why we have dem.
makes you burn. writhe in pain.
smile. feel childish.
makes you want an eraser to redo.
makes you wanna better.
rewind.
like havin an answer, tryin to make the questions for.
mystic.
truly. its jus bull.
i wish i didnt have em.
they remind.
imagine, mind playin a track.
jus a click away.
what in the heavens name,
wud do that, i ask..?
Blink.
whole world of reality in front of me
and each memory a blink away.
the longer i see the darkness of nothin real,
with my eyes closed,
the longer i find myself in archives with them.
in dreams..
no wonder i have insomnia..
hmm.. always hated libraries.
but ..
safely locked in.
they're with me. always.
they're all i have, left.
mine and mine alone.
my breadcrumbs to trace..

.. in the bloom, a ..

Soar on the branch and expanse,
My Bloom,
Soak in the Drop of clear rain,
and as the dew come caress,
let pretty, your petals remain
i know not the connection,
between you and me,
the reason why or how,
i know less of the light
be sunshine, your smile, a jewel,
or the freedom of the wind
to ponder and Question,
neither the flutter of the wings
nor the appreciative eye..
i was jus the standin ground,
and not in my wish,
i see today..
but this i know,
if, fall you must or be gone.
in the darkness of this life confine
i'll hold close, these roots mine.
for the beauty of the world
hope, i see you define..

Live now. Lets .. =)

Every post i wrote when i woke up in the spontaneity, has been an experience,
every dream i lived, seen and felt.
But dreams are Visions, the paradox of ourselves in a parallel thought,
and some, are as real as the senses. Blues,
in the wakeful.
Exaggerated experiences heightened by memories and the bundled emotions.
Today i felt 'em build up.
Breakin me.
Life bein drained by the moment.
It feels worse than someone squeeze out your soul.
The torment, a breathless drowning,
a Quick calculation to swerve the crash,
free falling..
flash of a Loved one,
thought of one thing you missed to do,
last words. a Prayer.
a blackhole that sucks you in..
Helplessness. The inevitable.
p'haps a smile to balance.. the good.
before you know. before you think.
its over.
reality. life. thought. dream. experience.
Dead end. and knowing it IS.
is so bad. and so sad..
there is Nothing contentful abt passin away.

I Felt a Part of me leave.
Out of Body Experiences. and they're so revealing abt Life.
its NOT, and nothing, that you can predict, want or plan.
so Fluid. and yet so Precious. to you and only YOU.
No one wud ever know wut it felt like.
its like a whole life spent bein a person. and all it comes to, is this.
when you know its a dead end.. and therz nuthin you can do.


It took me much. some tom and jerry,
warm shower. clear sky. a jolly drink.
some music, writing this post,
to know and awaken my senses that,
i still can feel.... Belong. somewhere.

Life seems so fragile all of a sudden. and the bonds, precious.
people we meet. deeds done. Pictures taken. smiles. tears. occasions. Life.
every moment seems a canvas blanc..

Life is Beautiful.
and we're neither Livin the moment again,
nor the opportunity to re-live.
Live now.
Lets ..
=)

We're made of Brush strokes

sometimes i wonder why relations get complicated.
is it cuz of the differences in thought, our personlalities,
the hardwired beliefs we're rooted to,
or is it because of the person we are all individually made of.
how many people can we connect with in our life.
and how many of those do we choose to cherish.

Every person is undeniably made of good an bad.
the conflict of God an his Villian is IN us.
do we fear the God and accept the qualities that are conventionally classified as morally just,
or do we fear and repel the shades of darkness that people have come to hate.
bottom line is we all have our pros an cons. each an everyone.
the efforts we put in to be Aware of who we really are,
the operating system we run on, bugs, crashes and Inborn boot errors.
To feel complete.
we have no answers.
we live in fear of mistakes and Karma.
we seek acknowledgement and acceptance.
To ourselves and the ones we're connected to.
These brush strokes make us. Our traits.
they make everyone around us, whom we adorn with privilege of Love and giving.
as and by the Color of a person shifts a shade from Bright to Dark.

Life's an intricate painting, and it always is in the whole frame.
neither in the beautiful highlights of bright pros,
nor the emphasizin, shaded, dark, cons.
In a kids crayon scrawl, or da vinci.
In the end its us who define wut we are to Others
and who others are to Us.
the beauty and essence of a person
lies in the whole Picture.

Livin the Split

Everyday
Every moment.
we wake to the new
the unknown,
no matter wut we know.
wut we do.
it neither follows the Vector of Effort
nor preceeds the Expected.
Space.

Its like pushin your ability
in that jump to reach the ledge.
you Fly.
reach an Try.
so close you touch.
but ...
where does your mind take you.
that you came so close.
or that you missed.
Split.

life's always a Choice.
it dont matter wut happened or the next.
the Choice is still for us to make.

In This Emptiness

Life seems distant now
wut hapnd, i wonder how
everyday in seconds i Live
with nuthin left in me to give
what remains o me
dont know, cant see
this pain, this misery hurts much
cant explain. cant take.
how do i endure such.
my thots echo in the hollows
excrutiating wrench that follows
feeling the numb i sink
in every split o the blink

where art thou i ask
to find you behind the mask
But, yer here within me
this i close my eyes to see
in this emptiness.

Love thee..

To be in thy embrace of care
when i feel weak
to feel thy support
wen i hold thee
to forget Pain forever
cuz i know thou cure
to forget the burden
cuz thee wud share
to move ahead an better
in thine motivation
not know wut need is
for ye complete me
to learn life and its meaning
in thine guidance
to forget myself
for thee know me
to Love a lifetime.
with thee, Beloved,
I'm in Love..

image courtesy : Mikej. thank you.

The Architect

I've walked through many a city. the tattered jacket i wear tells me. i carry no guns but a box with pencils and measuring tools. I've been runnin from present and the future. a Nomad. My job was to help people build shelters with resources they could afford. safe houses. thats what they called them. Safe from the Hell.. the burning earth herself.

There have been so many. so many an incident covered in Ash and destruction. the forces were against us survivors. Darwin wud be proud. the humans were considered the most successful beings in Evolution. survival of the fittest. I am jus a facilitator. Just an Architect.

My M.O. was simple and fast. Get a trench underground or a leftout sewage core or a dam and fortify with lead and steel lined mortar. provide Air and water recycling systems and Storage. For this i'd be given food and place to stay till my work was done. wen i am done. I'd be gone.

So much they speak abt the forces and wut they've done to us all. They were a nightmare of a story to listen to. There were very few who've seen the wrath and survived. and they Spoke of it as Hell chasing their life.

This time. I've been working inside an abandoned Mine. it was trecherous to get the generators runnin. we went old skool and took the concepts of the Oldest trains. Used coal to power up. these folk have been helpful by the smallest deed and involvement. It was their only hope. Everyday I worked my life out. It was not easy. We were in the Gut of a Hill. Being an Architect I had studied civilizations and cult work. The Free Masons, their concept was to make a way in and to make another way out. Prevention of cave in scenarios. Heck Even Pyramids have them. feels like an Irony. Everythin had a Glory to it. and we, are barely Alive.

The Safe House is almost done. and i cant wipe out this vibe off my head. it was a Dead End. somethin abt this place meant forever. like it was my destination. And this time, i know the time has come. My Intuition has been tingling like the spider sense. I regroup the pack, have every morsel and drop, of food and water, possible seeds for plantations saved. routine. Let them speak of Love for eachother. and the night spent in Joy, music and a few drinks. we share affection of workin together.

It was Close to dawn. I see children snuggled close in deep sleep, their innocence glowing warm. Everyone had this sense of being safe. For all the nightmares of Stories that were spoken of seeing Hell. I knew it was My time. I Leave the place, securing every hatch, every door. a long walk out scoping out the random vents, i reach out. it was cold. and it was close to the hilltop. i drag my boots up there and light a smoke. looking in the horizon to watch the sunrise. the sky starts to glow.

Thats when i See. a Ray. a trajectory burnin its way through the sky. When it hit the ground. it was like a quake. I take a deep drag and smile. the fire ball across glows the deepest red an turns into a mushroom cloud. from here i see every tree and inch o land burn. and i see it tear thru everythin between. the Hell. which i wud see .. this Nuke..



I jus wake up..

Feed Some Cute Fishies =)

I've always found a school o Fish to be most playful..
so much so watchin them play wud make me forget the issues bothering me.
Feng-shui places them o high regard as in takin away the negative energies even.

Anyway. after quite some contemplation, i've decided to pimp this blog a bit.
an if ya'll comin here to spend a few mins to read these posts.
plz , Do feed my fish.

you'll find dem upon scrollin down to the bottom of this page ..
have Fun.

the Happiness in Giving

A busy day ended by noon, I checked my watch and eased my mind about the weekend ahead. I thot about the li'l coffy shop that refreshed my after work mood with its divine aroma. Having time to spare, it was an obvious pullover. There was Caffeinated Joy in the air. I made my pick and turned to walk out with wut i knew was killer cappuccino.

A woman was tryin to shuffle between her shopping bags loaded hands to open the door. And instinctively I offered. As i reached to twist the knob. Somethin stopped. I guess it was time. it was a face I didnt wanna see, not atleast through the glass of the door. I wudnt forget. In that split second I spent in confusion and contemplating a scorn. She smiled. That familiar cheer written over her face. Speechless, I opened the door. In the Conversation which I kept simple she made me hold the shoppin bags and picked a coffy. the gifts and big shopping implied she played Santa Claus as always to orphan kids. that was her. a coffy, a smile and all heart.

Next thing I know I was helping her lug out of the car. There was quite a gathering of people. A few camps set seperately kids were being given necessities from Lunch, books, even blankets. She walked me through the camps and i met the guys who had volunteered. a person walked up to me and greeted me. The khadi kurta and nonchalant serenity to his persona gave him a fatherly appearance. Over the small tour i took along with him. I saw, how she was playin wid the kids, so much happiness in giving to them. She caught me admiring her an replied with a modest smile. I felt like a programmed robot with my life, work, and the digital watch. For God's sake I spent time checkin pulse and counting seconds. I envied her freedom to break the normalcy an the mundane.

She offers to walk me back to the car. She talks abt me. Much of the conversation was in her questions and smiles and my silence. She knows me in and out. Still. Like she took out of my silence, answers. I feel transparent. She ruffles my hair, just like she used to.. it was how she took care of me through. a thousand thots come to my mind. i felt how she shielded me from everythin. like my own predicaments. I felt the comfort of bein with someone who I knew wud care and took happiness in selfless Giving.

As we came closer to the car. she stopped said 'I missed you' ..
Even after my choices, the past, the time gone, even in my silence now. She could say that.. I didnt have an answer.
Just my silence.


wen i opened my eyes...


[img courtesy: Hermeti. with thanx]

I See You ..

i see you..
takin those small steps
in the room yours
closed doors an windows open.

i see you smile to yourself
in your space..
lookin into the world
you call your own..

moments pass..
an the smile fades..
the charm and beauty drawn
an so is the radiance.
i feel the past touch your eyes
an rollin down in tears..
you pull yourself back
conceal.
feel.

i see love in your eyes..
deeper than depth
submerged so much
you wudnt want it to show.
your brows draw closer
p'haps, reasons get louder.
time alternates in your eyes
in our moments memorable..
an the ones spent in pain


My Love i see you.

i feel every breath of you
drawn deep in wutz left.
the agony trapped.
the improbability o my faith
i see your fingers entwine
for the impending day ..
i see your feet tap
in restless of the today left.
every emotion distinct.
i see you..

i feel the cold on my fingers
from the touch of glass
i see you..

on the other side.
of this One way mirror.

In every shade dark
of wut i see from here
i see myself.
for i see myself in the darkness
that i left in you.
we may be on the sides
of the one way mirror, my Love.
but i see you ..
an more so wut i've been to you.

my every day is you
so is my thot.
everymoment with you
you dont know.. do you.

i feel this. i know.
wut keeps far, you an me.
i do.
a fabric o seperation it might be.
but its given me an opportunity
to learn an better myself
without a reflection dark..
that i have to see over you.

My Love will be blessed
as i know is my faith..

cuz, My Love.
i see you..
together wid me..
for the rest o my life thru..

Arrivederci My Love

I'm Out of thoughts to think
I'm Out of thinz to do..
Thru this Pain so Excrutiating.
I cant Fight for You

I've Loved You all my Heart
I've always stood my part..
in the worst of the times..
in this Lonely struggle..
you tore my Heart apart

In Booze i find my Zen
I wudnt want you involved in
Thru these moments and ties weak
I ask you to find wut you seek
to find your smile i want you to
cuz its with me no more..
But remember our moments sweet
of You this, i Implore.
Arrivederci. My Love.

Turn me Mortal..

For all the fascination i've seen
for the passion that i've felt within
its not jus the taste of blood
but the passion that i feel for Red

it ignites all that in me called Rage
trapped inside this flesh a cage
i seek the neck, to my teeth i feel
cold and a mimic of the silken steel

need of the moment in me
the animal inside i want you to see
for this is a moment split
you shud run before you're bit

the Lips so scarlet, they shiver
mane of your hair flow like a River
the eyes so piercing, at me they stare
the face of an angel, not a hint of scare
oh woman trust me you must not
for a moster inside i am
your skin so pure
an heart o gold
of this i am so sure
my curse you will unfold

set me free
an i promise thee
a life of a mortal will i spend
in your arms
and in your Love
my sin and deed so dire i shall end

Love me
my Angel ..
for my Blood so cold
an heart so dead
of Life and Love
... i need to be told

Its you,i want to be my Start
from you i'd die bein apart
its you who wud, my life, Define
its you .. i want to be Mine

Kiss me and make me a mortal
rid me of this inner beast..
give my body a soul, a key
Livin this Life i'd consider eternity
for i Love thee.
My Woman.
its jus you..
..who Makes me Human.