Emotional Library

Here is what, happens in my mind.

adapted, thought and a way to rewind, 

Formulaically. Surgically. 

a Procedure, a habit if you may,

it has grown from an impulse,

to an archaic archival of sorts,

for all the people,

that I've met,

that I have grown Fond of,

held close to my heart, and had them break it.

made mistakes, made wounds, and learnt to take it.

seen faces, that smile 

that cry, that fight, that reconcile,

seen life pass by, in folly and joy,

in a split second, watch it all destroyed,

In the warmth of love, a moment and so many,

in embrace, cuddle, distance and agony,

and here I am, in reminisce,

thinking about it all, touch and kiss,

Taking all these memories .

Put them all in a box, imaginary

Every moment enduring and extraordinary,

I keep inside the box some photos or letter,

Gift wrap it . none the same, none the better,

I put in in an attic inside ma mind.

But,

When i want to dance,

I Open it . I Find,

Sit with it. 

Have a peg or two. 

unwrap the gift, for its my past,

and you. 

Take the pleasure and pain,

Once done, Wrap it again,

for another time, another day, another one to meet,

another moment, to live, and repeat.

Makes sense.  ?

ahhh..

it probably does 

in my own head.

I want to say something..

Just want to put it out here that people who are in “depression” are truly clueless about what is happening with them. 

Just for a moment, think, a person so driven to an extreme, that they contemplate their own life Vs. predicaments, pull up the idea to end their life, and act through it, would be sane enough to reach for help?! Do you really believe someone would even think they want to talk it out to someone ?!

A while ago I posted the a status, askin people to talk to me, or call a suicide helpline.. but, something changed. And I realised, this isn’t someone whom you can spot in a group, figure out in a conversation with, they are absolutely there smiling with you, looking at everyone through words, And yet, living their life and dragging themselves through the weights, burdens and a complex mental process going on inside their head, which they find all the more entrapping and cornering them. They know, the consequences, yet choose to end their life. The utterly painful, heartbreaking courage  it takes to lift that knife .. or tie that knot in a rope.. or finding a bottle of water to swallow something.. those moments are not impulsive. They are calculated. Meticulously.

And I don’t think those predicaments are something they can talk or converse about. Mostly because they see life from a different perspective, and well, I don’t think another’s opinion goes through either. 

This is why it shocks us. Breaks us. Being in their company, knowing them person and proxy,

Because we are all used to relating to and Knowing a persons’ cheerful company or their applauding achievement, their sense of humour, goodness, the glass of beer they raise, every thing about a person that is positive, but, Would u notice a person, without? 

There is so much in a lifetime to experience, 

but also, is a choice to end it ... 

because.

PAUSE

Amidst living the lines that run straight, with no end

Ever evolving, every day and moment,

i find it hard to see 

What is it, that exists to my side.

Beside me.

Because, they too, things and them,

Have their own lines,

That Bind them,

That Blind them,

Just like me.

What happens when I see something Beautiful.

Can I stop, I can’t 

should I want, I shouldn’t.

for its always the same story

Looking straight 

I get it, I understand, 

Life moves,

I can’t ask for a stall,

That will only lead to a break down

I can’t ask for stop

That will only die and wither

But,

Can I ask for a pause.

To share that pause with me,

Choose it.

Because deep down I ask

And I ask it, with So much want.

That I want it.

I need it,

I need it to be a part of my way.

Hoping that these pauses make time

And that time completes me.

I’m Lost.

I can’t remember.

People. Moments

Fragments in time.

Memories. 

Which I will probably never go back to.

Life needs to be more than this

I’m 

SO

DISCONNECTED.

I’ve loved. 

I’ve cared.

Done what I thought would be a best outcome

But it was all wrong.

I was wrong.

It just would never, be.

Reality.

time.

life.

Move 

So fast.

Wants change.

Moves space. Creates space.

What is, will not be, in a moment.

No room to cherish.

No roots to connect.

We are all just living.

When I sleep.

I Dream.

And wen I wake up

I feel more connected to the Dreams.

Than I did with my past.

Is it worth it ?

The burden of questions.

The Questions of Existence.

The Existence called life.

how I can end this with. 

There are no statements, Questions, 

everything is as is. 

Rest. Imaginary. A thought. 

A moment spent. Lost

Disconnected. 

I Love Petrichor.

Its the Rains. And the parched soil.

dont they run in straight lines too ?

raindrops. life

aah.

I love it. 

Amidst living in the lines that run straight

It soothes me.

What completes you. ?

Life. is so huge. So much to live, So much to do, Know, Understand.
Ever since we are born, we have milestones, of growth, standards that asses us to be compatible to the world we need to accommodate ourselves in. We have schools, subjects taught to us, to be profound at something we imbibe, that would later create a sole identity for us .
We meet people to learn from, paving us a path of influence. we achieve at various a level to carve our own destiny, we make our life unique as a choice we made, to survive.

Where do we stand.
when do we know we have satiated growth. Never ?
When we start feeling age take over ? skin wrinkling, mind numbing, choosing solitude over rave parties. lounging over thoughts than chasing the randomness around us.
When we hit the rock bottom ? or the high of life.
Money.
Materialistic wants.
Power.
Achievement.
Love, companionship, making life out of passion.
Content in orgasmic scale.
Feeling the lowest and highest notes of music.
Finding a higher consciousness.

???!!

The deal is..
we have to Understand the beginning to understand how it ends all.
that we are all products of creation amidst utter chaos.
Death might complete us, in a notion.
The last chapter, but that wont be the END. Its never complete. What abt the legends that passed away. They remain as history. A story. And they will be forever.
There is no end.
Friends are remembered.
Family is revered.
Love eternal,
and
memories cherished.

I Looked to find 'my' last chapter, hoping there would never be an epilogue. A memory. An ending that would complete me. i tried to find what completes me. In Everything. Every single notch among millions, on a golf ball of life. A bite of cheese in each slice of a pizza
Like chasing mirages on every dune of sand on a desert vast,
making my own perceptional compliments of my predicaments,
just as such.. finding none.
Diluted in mistakes, hurt, guilt and every possible shade of grey in a rainbow of emotions, I held on to hope. Held on close. Wishing for forgiveness. Wishing for redemption and penance.
Strength to have a soul. To contain myself.
Anyone would survive. I wanted to sustain.
Right my wrong. Make amends and learn.
All that mattered to me was eventuality, the continuity of life with a pinch of better and a slice of smile.
A smile that i could share.
But.
Ma bro once said, Long before I knew or cud comprehend what were, the biggest flaws in life were 'if' and 'but' ..
Makes sense now.
Possibilities.
One cant imagine how much, we live in possibilities.
They don't complete us.
Because we are human, and to accept that, is of a level of understanding and comprehension beyond.

To feel complete is a Choice.
Everyday, every moment. Its right there with us. To accept what makes us. We are so blind to it. I am so blind to it, that though i had every single moment, possibility and chance, I chose different.
Its not the regret that bothers me. its what has become of that moment.

We as humans evolve, and that is our biggest strength and flaw.
Constantly, at a pace our own life defines, we evolve.
Expecting a feeling of completion stays with us in every moment as a choice.
The feeling of emptiness may pertain to a past tense of remnants we churn in thought, so strong, that we all eventually fail to accept the inevitable.
The Present.
What we have. Acceptance of the perimeter of circle around us.
THAT is what completes us.



Image Courtesy : fractal_circle_by_jindra12
#respect and thanks#

MiXed

There is this feeling u get out of tears,
a smile, warming up ur heart,
Like the tears of happiness
Or the feeling of hope in ur worst times.
In reality,
All I felt wuz a simulation
I yearn to feel such a relationship, know such a person, or go thru such emotion.
Jus to know how human it'd be to experience such....

the Core

In the center
of Echoes
preserved and pure
amidst the circular waves
of energy
and the vibrations
so fluid
nudged
inside the sphere
like vacuum
the dark radiance,
brightest solitude
and purity ..
lies, the Astral in vivo.
the Core.

Wake ..

Today meant a Monument.
A Beginning.
Left with an epitaph now,
Each memory shattered,
and sprawled in gravestones..
etched in my continual walks
in the nightmares
of this endless cemetery..